Many women are terrified of anal sex for two reasons – embarrassment of poop and painful discomfort from penetration.

Both can be easily solved.

Most people don’t know how to have anal sex so they copy what they see in porn movies which is usually some form of aggressive anal thrusting. When trying to recreate the same at home, it’s not surprising that most women do not find it pleasurable.

Anal sex, like the rest of our erotic expressions, is a delicate art form and must be approached with knowledge and care for an ultimate pleasure experience.

#1 Choose your partner wisely

Anal sex is an intimate experience so choose your partner mindfully, especially if it is your first time! Pick someone trustworthy, gentle and loving.
If a partner is not able to handle the physical/emotional messy-ness of anal sex maturely, they should not be having it.
Explore YOUR PLEASURE when it comes to anal sex. If you are having it purely to please your partner, it wont be very satisfying. Nothing kills pleasure like resentment.

#2 First impressions

Do not judge anal sex by first impressions. Give it a few tries (maybe even a few different partners) before deciding if you like it or not. Your body must overcome the cultural taboo, the shock, the fear and insecurity in order to fully relax into pleasure. This may take a few awkward try-outs.

Rome wasn’t built in a day. Neither were anal orgasms!

There is a ring of muscle in the anus called the sphincter that keeps it tightly closed. The sphincter is used to pushing things OUT, instead of inviting things IN. It takes training to re-wire your brain and body to enjoy back-door penetration.

The more relaxed the sphincter is, the more pleasure you feel. Thus, anal sex only gets better with experience!
I love the blended pleasure of stimulating the anus AND the vagina/clitoris at the same time. Notice how powerful your clitoral/G-spot orgasms become!

#3 Let’s talk about poop

The most poop-ular myth is that anal sex leads to a feces mess. The shame struggle is real!
I personally do not recommend douching for various reasons. In reality, it is really not needed at all. Feces are stored in the colon, NOT the rectum which is being penetrated during sex. Poop only passes through the rectum as it exits the body when you use the toilet.

My golden rule #1 for anal sex is to make sure that you poop the same day, before you have anal sex. This way your bowls are empty and there is NO poop inside of your colon nor rectum.

It may feel like you want to poop during anal penetration however if your bowels are empty, you wont! If you think about it, the “feeling of pooping” is very pleasurable. (Who doesn’t enjoy a good poop, eh?) During anal sex this feeling is eroticised into sexual pleasure minus the poop. Get it?

# 4 Butt to shower

The golden rule of anal sex #2 – NEVER put anything that has been inside the anus back into the vagina/mouth without washing it thoroughly with soap first. It is unhygienic and can lead to infections!
If you are having unprotected sex with your partner and still feel grossed out by the fear of poop, use a condom and keep baby wipes nearby.
If you are in a non-committed relationship, ALWAYS use condoms during sex. It is possible to contract STD’s and STI’s during unsafe anal sex!

#5 Rimming is a gateway to anal

Rimming is stimulating someone’s anus with mouth and tongue. It feels amazing and is a fantastic introduction to anal pleasure. Before penetrative anal sex, give/receive anal pleasure with tongue.

Ask your partner to eat your ass – slowly, teasingly and sloppily. Imagine your anus is being french kissed.Yum!

Needless to say, make sure the anus is sparkling clean and fresh out of a shower! Having your anus kissed and licked while you stimulate your vulva can be a whole new cosmic experience of pleasure!

#6 Lube is a must-have, not a preference!

Never attempt to have anal sex with just spit! Ouch! The goal is to have a pain-free, effortless gliding in and out. Use lube of your choice, generously slathering it all over. Do not be shy to reapply it when required. Silicone or oil based natural lubes are great!
I prefer to use organic coconut oil. (Anal orgasms AND moisturising!)
There is no such thing as too much lube!

#7 Jazz hands

Do you like fingers inside your vagina caressing you slowly? The anus loves them too!

Insert up to first knuckle (1cm) of the lubricated finger inside the anus. I prefer index finger of thumb. Hold it inside the anus while stimulating the vulva. Very slowly twist around for more sensations or glide in and out.

For your own relaxation, agree with your partner that 1-2cm is the maximum you can take in one time. For example, is tonight a 1-knuckle or a 2-knuckle kind of night? You decide!

#8 Butt plugs & dildos

Butt plugs are fantastic training toys for anal sex. Do not buy cheap, rubber, chemicals toys. Your anus is worth only the most luxurious creations! Using anal plugs is a fantastic way to introduce anal penetration without thrusting or friction. It allows your anus to relax and experience the feeling of being filled up.

Play with inserting the butt plug during oral sex or penetrative vaginal sex or even during solo masturbation. The sensations are delicious!

The best non-vibrating dildo toys for anal pleasure are made from gemstones, glass, metal and wood. Their polished smooth finish means they glide in and out effortlessly without any friction. I love the Onna PEARL toy as a great introduction to anal sex. While the bulby end feels great on the G-spot, I use it as a buffer and a handle during anal penetration.

#9 The right position & angle

The best position for anal sex beginners is spooning – your partner embraces you from behind and their phallus is exactly at 45 degrees angle to your anus. Ask your partner to hold their shaft for stability while you corkscrew/wiggle yourself onto it millimetre by millimetre. This way you are in control of penetration. Move your hips in tiny circles around the phallus, keep taking deep breaths and take all the time that you need to “corkscrew on top of” it. Sometimes doing a little wiggle or mini booty shake will help your anus muscles relax further.

Another great position is Girl On Top where you straddle your partner on your knees and glide onto their phallus at a 45 degree angle.

It can take up to 10-20 minutes to fully take in the full phallus. Stop or pause anytime, take more breaths. Ask your partner to keep holding you close and kissing you gently.

#10 Clitoral vibrator trick

A great pleasure trick is using a clitoral vibrator during anal sex. The orgasms intensify by 500%!!! Once a woman orgasms through anal sex, she will be eager to have more of it.

Place the vibrator on your clitoris as your partner penetrates you anally whether with a finger phallus. The pleasure vibrations will help your anal muscles relax.

It is important that the vibrator is ergonomically curved around the vulva so it does not slip nor push uncomfortably into the pubic bone. MY favourite vibrator is LAYA from Fun Factory. I have been using this toy for over 10 years! The latest model is super smooth, fits perfectly like a snuggly vibrating slug, is silent and can be charged from your computer!

#11 Go slow & breathe deeply

Notice how your anl muscles contract and relax. Practice to consciously relax them during anal. Your comfort is the key to mutual pleasure.

We are bombarded with hard-core anal penetration videos and most people assume that it is the only way to have anal sex. Forget what you see in porn. Those girls have had plenty of practice!

The truth is – the slower you move, the more pleasure you feel!!!

#12 Stop if you feel any pain

Golden Rule of Anal sex #3 – STOP if you feel any pain! Remember that baby steps will get your further than forcing yourself. If today feels too painful, let it go. Make love in a different way. Try again another time. You have all the time in the world.

When it comes to anal sex, pushing anything in is just as important as pulling something out. How can you bring effortless grace to your anal love making?

Be Gentle. Tread Lightly

#13 Don’t forget to play

Sex isn’t perfect. Anal sex is far from it. It can feel silly and awkward sometimes. Remember that a good sense of humour and a genuine curiosity will take you to PLEASURE.

Sometimes, a heartfelt giggle together is what is most needed.

#14 Food for thought

I fully believe that men need to learn what it is like to be penetrated anally. It changes the way they make love to their woman. It will make them more conscious and gentle the next time they have sex with their partner. It will make them BETTER LOVERS.

Understanding the vulnerable experience of penetration creates compassion and solidarity between partners. It levels out the playing field to erotic equality.

If a man is not willing to be sexually equal with his partner, then he shouldn’t be having anal sex. It takes a certain kind of maturity to have it.

By the way, the male g-spot lives in their butt! There is TONS of undiscovered pleasure there. Just sayin’…

#15 Your anal adventure checklist

  1. Enjoy a good poop in the morning. Your bowels must be completely empty.
  2. Eat lightly during the day and avoid anything which makes you feel constipated or gassy.
  3. Makes sure you have plenty of privacy and time to explore together. This means no upcoming meetings, screaming children outside the door or bosses calling on the phone.
  4. Set up your love-making place with pleasure props – tissues, baby wipes, glass of drinking water, lubricant, vibrator or favourite sex toy, comfy cushions
  5. Take a bath or shower.
  6. Lock the doors!
  7. Light the candles & turn on sexy music
  8. Agree with your parter that you will go as far as you feel comfortable and will not push yourself past your boundaries
  9. If you are feeling nervous, a sensual body (and booty!) massage goes a long way…
  10. Foreplay, foreplay, foreplay!!!

#16 Importance of aftercare

The anus is a gateway to human vulnerability. During anal penetration, you may feel strangely emotional. Allow yourself to feel the emotions which come up whether they are sadness, longing, feelings of being naughty or wild. Communicate your experience with your partner so they are able to support you accordingly.

Most importantly, LET GO! If you wish to moan, moan! If you wish to cry, cry! If you wish to howl like a hungry wolf then do so! Anything goes. Everything is welcome! Anal sex is raw, it is magic, it is wild!

Because anal involves such vulnerability, it’s one of the most intimate sexual acts out there. Contrary to myths, anal sex can be incredibly romantic, building deeper intimacy between partners. Allowing oneself to enjoy this carnal act within a container of love can be healing for the body, heart and soul.

Aftercare, after anal, if absolutely vital. Drink plenty of water, snuggle, hold each other, take a warm shower or bath together. Post-sex snacks and a romantic movie are always a good idea!

I hope this guide has been helpful for you. If you would like further guidance and support in your sexual journey, reach out to learn about my private consultations by emailing

Love you, kittens!

About the Author: Elena Rossi is the creator & founder of The Yoni Empire. She is a women’s Orgasm Coach, Sex Educator, pleasure toy designer, full-time writer and lover of all things pleasure-related. She writes shamelessly about eroticism, supporting women with overcoming sexual challenges and tapping into their pleasure potential. She is on a mission to nourish women, one orgasm at a time – connecting heart, body and mind. Follow her at @the_yoni_empire.

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